Yes, this is the February edition of my ASPE Pipeline article, but with all of the Oscar buzz right now, indulge me and suspend belief for just a few moments to consider the following screenplay. We will return your channel to its normal settings at the end.
Working Title: Indiana Holmes and the Kingdom of the Porcelain Throne
FADE IN: INT. OFFICE BUILDING CAFÉ – EARLY MORNING
A young man, apparently a plumbing designer, is seated at a table at the back of the café, behind a column. He has a menu in hand and a distressed look on his face. He waves to get the attention of a server.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
Excuse me, excuse me…
The server passes by, headed for the kitchen. When the server re-emerges, the plumbing designer tries again, this time louder.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
Excuse me, EXCUSE ME!
The server skirts past again, seeming to ignore the forlorn designer. He drops the menu to the table, trying to keep his mounting frustration in control. Just then, another man enters the café from stage left. As he enters, the staff all seem to take notice. The oblivious server perks up and, from across the room, offers an enthusiastic wave. The man grins and waves back. He follows the host to a prime table. The host pulls the chair for him, smiling warmly, and hands him a menu.
HOST
Hi, Indy. Great to see you this morning. Wasn’t sure we’d see you today. I know how busy you always are.
HOLMES
Good morning to you too. Thought I’d stop in for a quick cup of coffee.
HOST
Is this table okay for you? I can move you to a bigger table if you want. Let me get Sam over here to see if he can get you something to go with your coffee.
HOLMES
No need to fuss on my account. I have some time this morning.
From his vantage point behind the column, the young designer sees the attention Holmes is getting. They work together and Holmes has always been a role model, but he can’t help but hide his frustration with the service, or the lack thereof. Holmes notices, gets up, and heads over to his coworker.
HOLMES
Hey Marty. How’s it going? You don’t look like you’re having a good day. What’s up?
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
I’ve been here for like 10 minutes, trying to flag down a server. Then I see you come in and they’re all over you, waiting on you hand and foot.
HOLMES
Awww, come on. They don’t treat me any differently than they treat every other person who comes in here.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
No? You can’t tell me you’re not Mr. Big around here. I’ve seen it before. They give you the best table, the best service, smiles up and down. Me? I can sit here for a half-hour before anyone even notices.
He sighs and then takes a deep breath.
Know what I think? Here’s what I think. They know I’m just a newbie plumbing designer, fresh out of school. And you, you’re the esteemed Indiana Holmes…
He continues, pausing between each letter for emphasis.
C…P…D !
HOLMES, CPD
That’s ridiculous, Marty. The fact that I have a CPD and you don’t doesn’t hold water, no pun intended, in here. I’ll prove that to you.
Holmes starts to turn. Before he can turn completely, Sam surprises him, standing immediately to Holmes’ left shoulder.
SAM THE SERVER
I saw you changed tables, Indy, and wanted to get your coffee to you before it started to cool. It’s just the way you like it: 190 degrees, half teaspoon of creamer, in your favorite mug. I also brought you a Danish. Chef saw you come in, and he asked me to bring you a sample and asked if you could tell him what you think—if it’s good or if you think it needs something.
Holmes, CPD, winces, feeling Marty’s glare.
HOLMES, CPD
Ummm, well, thanks very much, Sam. I’ll give the Danish a try and let you know. Hey, can you get my friend Marty here set up with something?
SAM THE SERVER
Of course, of course, Indy. Mr. Marty, what can we do for you?
Marty picks up the menu he has already read 12 times. He pretends to read it again. He makes sure he catches Holmes’ eye and replies to Sam.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
Is this the regular menu or is this the special CPD menu?
CUT TO: INT. ENGINEERING OFFICE – LATE MORNING
Young plumbing designer Marty is in the conference room. Around the table are the electrical designer Caroline, project manager Jason, who is also lead HVAC designer, the architectural project manager, and the architect’s BIM manager.
They’re discussing details for the schematic design of a four-story medical office building. The architectural project manager is asking each discipline to sign off on the floor plans so they can get an accurate construction budget to the owner.
ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT MANAGER
We all know we’re getting close to the deadline on this. The owner is expecting our schematic pricing by next Friday. If we can button this up today, we can get the estimate done. That will also let us get going on modeling the floor plans.
How about if we start with electrical? Caroline, I think we’re pretty good on electrical room sizes. Are you good with that, or is there anything else you can think of that we need to change?
CAROLINE, ELECTRICAL DESIGNER
I don’t think so. The main electrical room looks big enough, and I appreciate that you’re stacking the electrical closets on each floor.
ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT MANAGER
The plumbing should be pretty straightforward. We stacked the main plumbing chases. One thing we need to get is how much room you need for a fire pump and does that have to be a dedicated room? That’s going to be a big ticket item. We can’t afford to add too much more footprint to the building without blowing the owner’s budget.
He looks over to Marty and then continues.
I don’t know that we’ve met. You’re handling the plumbing design? I’m Barry.
He stands and extends his hand across the table.
Marty, young plumbing designer, stands and manages a handshake.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
Umm, Marty. Good to meet you.
He continues, hesitantly.
It…it should work that the chases are stacked. I’m fine with that. Can I get back to you on the fire pump? Not sure what size we’ll need yet. I can give you that by end of day tomorrow.
Sensing Marty’s discomfort and before Barry can respond, Jason jumps up and grabs the schematic sketches from the table. Jason is a PE, and while his experience is primarily HVAC, he has had exposure to all engineering disciplines.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Barry, I do see that the plumbing chases are stacked, but from the structural grid, it looks to me like the chases are all sitting on column lines. That’s not going to work too well for exhaust duct and won’t work at all for the plumbing fixtures.
BARRY, ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT MANAGER
Well damn, that’s a little embarrassing. You’re right, though.
He turns to his BIM manager.
We need to get this right over to structural. If they can’t move any columns, we’ll have to slide our chases around.
Then he turns to Jason.
Thanks for catching that. That would have cost us a bundle if we went into design development with that.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Oh, no problem. That’s what we’re here for. We’re all one big team on this. As far as the fire pump room, can Marty get you that tomorrow?
BARRY, ARCHITECTURAL PROJECT MANAGER
That should be okay. We’ll have time to figure that in before next week.
Jason walks through his HVAC coordination. The meeting wraps up, and the architectural team leaves. Marty and Jason remain in the conference room.
MARTY, YOUNG PLUMBING DESIGNER
Jason, I’m glad you caught that plumbing chase thing. I missed it completely.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Ah, no harm, no foul, Marty. It’s a lesson learned. You’ll be looking for that from now on. Why don’t you go grab some lunch? We can talk more later.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. INDIANA HOLMES’ WORKSTATION – NOON
Holmes is at his desk. He is splitting time between researching codes on his computer and stuffing a sandwich into his mouth. Jason walks up and stops at Holmes’ desk.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Hi Indy. I figured I’d find you here. I know you’re working on that big arts center project, but do you mind if I ask you a favor?
Holmes swallows his mouthful of sandwich, washing it down with a swig from his water bottle. He looks over to Jason, and he knows what’s coming.
HOLMES, CPD
No problem. What can I do for you, Jason?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
We just got out of a meeting on that MOB. Marty was a little intimidated. I know he’s still a novice, but I think he’ll come around if we give him a little help. The architect wants a size for the fire pump so he can lay out a pump room. Do you have some time to help with that?
HOLMES, CPD
I’d be glad to, but let me ask you a question. This is that MOB that’s been in schematic, right?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Yeah, we’re trying to wrap up schematic design, and the owner gets a budget estimate next Friday. That’s why the fire pump is such a big issue. If it’s a big pump, it’ll add a lot of square footage and that might break the budget.
HOLMES, CPD
That’s just a four-story building, isn’t it? Four stories above grade?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Yeah, that’s right.
HOLMES, CPD
It does need Class I standpipes by the building code, but NFPA 14 allows manual wet standpipes for buildings not classified as high-rise. High-rise is defined as 75 feet from the lowest level of fire vehicle access to the highest occupiable floor. If you’re only four stories, you can design the standpipes to be manual wet type.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
I know you’re good with codes, but what does manual wet standpipe do for us?
HOLMES, CPD
The flow and pressure for a wet standpipe system in a non-high-rise can be provided through the fire department connection by the fire department apparatus. The fire trucks arrive, hook up their pumper to a hydrant, and then from the truck to the fire department connection on the standpipes.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
So, NO fire pump???
HOLMES, CPD
That’s right. No fire pump.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
(excitedly) Indy, you’re a lifesaver!
HOLMES, CPD
No problem, Jason. That’s what we’re here for. We’re all one big team on this. You’ll be looking for that from now on.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. INDIANA HOLMES’ WORKSTATION – SAME DAY, LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Holmes is still at his desk. He sees Jason approaching again. He senses a particular urgency from him this time.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
(VERY excitedly) Indy, Indy, I need to talk with you!
HOLMES, CPD
Sure, Jason. What’s up? You look like you are going to have a stroke.
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
I just came from the boss’s office. This is high-level secret stuff.
Jason glances around, making sure no one is within earshot, and then continues.
Mallory got a call from the White House. He didn’t give me too many details, but there is some kind of emergency there. They want us to send our best plumbing designer there. I told Mallory that’s you.
HOLMES, CPD
Well, thank you for your vote of confidence. When do they want me there?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
Today. Now. They have a plane on the way, and Mallory says to make sure you’re on it.
HOLMES, CPD
Hey, great. Short notice always puts me in a good mood. Do I even have time to pack?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
No, I’ve got to get you to the airport right now. They said they’ll give you whatever you need. Put you up, if it takes a few days.
(urgently) We have to leave NOW Indy!
HOLMES, CPD
Okay, okay, calm down. Let me grab a few things here and I’ll be ready.
Holmes grabs a backpack from his desk. He stuffs some of his essential items into it, zips it closed, and then shoulders it as he tries to catch up with Jason.
CUT TO: EXT. THE AIRPORT – DUSK
It was a short drive to the airport. There was not much conversation between Jason and Indy. There wasn’t much to say, since no one knew the extent of the emergency. As instructed, Jason pulls up to a remote parking area off of a taxiway. A number of black SUVs are waiting. Jason slows to a stop.
HOLMES, CPD
This doesn’t exactly look like the main terminal. Are we bypassing TSA?
JASON, PE, LEAD HVAC DESIGN, ENGINEERING PROJECT MANAGER
You are, yes. They know you have top-secret clearance to work on that embassy project. This is where you check in.
The SUV doors open and eight individuals, dressed in dark suits, approach. Holmes is looking beyond them, to the fence between the parking lot and the taxiway. Sitting on the taxiway is an immense aircraft. Darkness is falling, but with the airport lights, Holmes can see the blue nose, white fuselage, and, in distinct lettering against the white, the words “UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.”
The first suit gets to the car and opens the passenger door where Holmes sits.
AGENT
Mr. Holmes? Please step out of the car. We need to do a quick search before we board.
One agent grabs his backpack, opens it, and then passes a scanner over it. Another holds an image on his phone, glances at Holmes and nods. The first agent does a thorough pat-down of Holmes, which goes virtually unnoticed. Holmes’ attention is still on the plane.
HOLMES, CPD
That’s Air Force One, isn’t it?
AGENT
Actually, Air Force Two, sir. We need to get moving here. We’re wheels up in 10 minutes.
Holmes turns to Jason, and they exchange waves. The agents usher Holmes through the gate to the taxiway and up the stairs to a seat in the middle of the plane. It all seems to be part of a dream. Within minutes, the plane starts taxiing, heads to the runway, and takes off for Andrews Air Force Base.
CUT TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN – DARK
The marine helicopter touches down on the south lawn at the White House. The agents step out first, motioning Holmes to follow. He exits down the steps, noting a marine in dress uniform saluting. Absentmindedly, he returns an awkward half-salute. He realizes that wasn’t proper protocol and thinks he sees a smile cross the marine’s face. Holmes follows the agents to a sidewalk at the northwest of the lawn, and they approach a door to the Oval Office.
AGENT
Sir, when we get inside, we’ll be meeting with the White House Chief of Staff. He will debrief you on the situation.
The door opens, and another agent waves the group in. That agent has Holmes stop for another security check. It’s still a little surreal to Holmes. His only thought is, “The Oval Office is a lot smaller than I imagined.”
AGENT
Mr. Holmes, the Chief of Staff is ready for you now.
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
Mr. Holmes, thank you for coming on such short notice. We hear you’re the right man for the job.
HOLMES, CPD
Thank you, sir. Of course, glad to be here. I hope I can help. What, exactly, is the emergency?
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
It is a plumbing issue, and that’s why we sent for you. We can’t afford to have anyone but the best. Please follow me. The problem is not in the Oval Office. It’s down this way.
He leads Holmes and the contingent of Secret Service agents through a door and into an adjacent corridor. He stops at a door marked “Private,” opens it, and then steps through.
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
This is the President’s personal bathroom at the Oval Office, Mr. Holmes. While it is in tip-top shape and our maintenance staff keeps it fully functioning, the President has been complaining about the toilet of late.
Holmes steps to the water closet and taps the trip handle to flush it. He lifts the seat to make sure it flushes and refills correctly. He opens the tank lid and repeats the process. It seems to be functioning well—no leaks, no overrun, no extraneous noises.
HOLMES, CPD
Sir, I don’t see anything wrong with it. It does work perfectly. Does the President not like the color or the plated fittings?
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
No, no. That’s not it at all.
He moves closer to Holmes, whispering.
Mr. Holmes, the President is…well, the President is a little older now. He is having trouble sitting down and then standing up. His knees give him a lot of trouble.
Almost as if a lightbulb has gone off in his head, Holmes reaches for his backpack. He pulls out a tape measure and stands the tip on the floor next to the water closet.
HOLMES, CPD
I think I know what’s going on. This is a standard-height water closet. The seat is only 16½ inches from the floor.
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
I don’t understand. What does that mean, Holmes?
HOLMES, CPD
Sir, as we age, it is natural that it’s more difficult to sit and stand from a lower height. In fact, the Americans with Disabilities Act has a requirement for seat height to be 17 inches minimum and 19 inches maximum from the floor. Now, that doesn’t apply for a private office, but in this case, I think it would help.
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
So, if we replace this toilet with a taller one, we’ll make the President happy?
HOLMES, CPD
I think it will help, for sure. There’s certainly no disgrace going with a taller one. They don’t even call them “accessible” water closets anymore. They’re called “comfort height.”
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
Holmes, that sounds so simple. So simple, but pure genius.
HOLMES, CPD
Let’s not go too far, sir. If you’d like, I can make a few phone calls right now. I have contacts in D.C. through a society I’m a member of. It’s called the American Society of Plumbing Engineers—ASPE. I can get a contractor out here tonight with a new water closet.
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
If you can pull that off, you’ll be a real hero. Let’s go make those calls.
The team heads back to the Oval Office, and Holmes gets on his phone and dials. The scene fades as he talks.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. INDIANA HOLMES’ WORKSTATION – THE FOLLOWING WEEK, MORNING
Holmes sits at his desk, looking through his mail. He picks up a special-delivery envelope. He’s curious about a special delivery for him. The return address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, D.C. He pulls the tab and fishes out the contents. It’s a very official-looking certificate, with the Presidential seal on it. It reads:
“For Meritorious Service, Presented to Henry Walton ‘Indy’ Holmes, Jr. – CPD”
Holmes sees another small slip of paper in the envelope and pulls it out. It’s a handwritten note, but one of the words is redacted with black marker. The camera zooms in over Holmes’ shoulder.
“Thanks, Indy. You really saved my ***. No joke! J.B.”
A smile starts to cross Holmes’ face. He tosses the note on his desk and picks up the certificate again. The camera focuses on his name and then zooms, panning to the three letters at the end: C – P – D.
END SCENE – CUE THEME MUSIC, FADE OUT
The persons and places in the preceding screenplay are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. We now return control of your channel to normal.
It seemed like a long way to go, and I hope you’re still along for the read. If that screenplay actually does get sent to a producer, the next step will be casting. Of course, they won’t cast anyone for the movie who isn’t qualified. What is the biggest qualification? Forget your SAG card. To land a role for this, they are going to want you to have your ASPE CPD certification.
I’ll sign off on that note. It may be that I’ll be back again in March—that is, if the ASPE Pipeline editors don’t revoke my spot.
